tears and joy

finally I know....

2011-01-29T20:15:00.000-08:00

Finally year 2011 Chinese New Year is just around the corner. Yesterday I send one of my ex-student to the airport. She is from Miri. From her face, I am sure she was so excited to be home again. Then I look at myself...for more than 12 years I were far away from my hometown, Penang and even now already 3 years in Penang yet I never ever feel that I am home once again. How could I ever tell all my beloved one that I dont have that kind of feeling at all? I will turn everybody down. It's nobody's fault except me...i refuse...i reject that I am from Penang! A place fill with hurts and disappoitments...i asked God once...why He send me back? Why? In my memory, big cities citizen is citizen of the world...they dont need me and I dont want to be there..then what should I do if this is the place that He wants me to be? Today i am in Penang for 3 years, one month and 26 days...i asked myself again...any answer for my questions? Where to go? When to leave? What He wants from me? Finally He gave me the answers...where should I go?...where there is need of love, care, support and acceptance of His people...when to leave?...when there is a emerge calling of His people from the other side of the world...what He wants from me?...to make use of His gift in me to guide, to help and to love His people...my students...He send me back to be with His beloved sons and daughters in Penang....after 3 years, finally I am willing to open my heart and listen quietly to His voice...yes, I am from Penang...and i found love that once I lost long long time ago in Penang....my students from Penang and Miri....the source of my love...the centre of Christ is LOVE...thank you Miri, thank you Chung Ling, thank you Union...mostly thank you Lord for your patience. No matter where I am, I am always at home...where is the love there is a home...I never ever once left my home...finally I know that I am home...

first day Vs last day

2010-05-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

When we were born, we were the only one who cried but people surrounding us smile and enjoy seeing us crying. Tears become our best company and be with us thru out those years. The only different is some might cry because their heart is touching with something which is so wonderful in their life. Some might also cry because of their marvellous success but this kind of moment doesnt make sense to me most of the time. The very first time I received my trophy I cried because was teasing by students from other classes. Is it wrong being in the back class? No one said anything and we seem accepted our faith...it was all right being teasted just because we were weak in academic and from poor family! When reached teenage, tears and sadness still with me all the time. Nobody really understand or care about how I feel. I am always the person who have to give and are not expected to ask for anything. Everybody surrounding me expected me to understand their needs, their feelings, their problems...just eveything of them and figure out the solution...again I cant let anybody down...when i faced difficulties and felt so down, tears alone was my best friend. After graduation, i spent 12 years far away from my hometown. I sacrified everything to gain peace in my life but again...what a disapointed life. I did and I do have wonderful students and caring parents but after I became more and more famous, I only have my sweetest students by my side... the most precious asset in my life. The rest were hidden enemies that i had no idea where they came from! Everybody started to put higher and higher expectation on me! I just want to have a normal life! Peaceful life ! Simple life! Is it too much to ask for? Anyway I still enjoyed some peaceful life that i 'bought' by using money that i earned there...it was really worthy... I need a space to breath again...Now I am back. My situation turn worst yet nobody can sense how i feel or why I feel in this way! I never ever want to be famous! I really hate it! If my birthday will be my last day on this earth, i am happy to go with my last word...I am sorry for all my wrong doings and may you all have a much more better life than mine...But if God wants me to continue to serve His children, i will obey...I am very sure that He loves me very much...He is the only one who console my broken heart and sweeping away all my tears... I dont know why i have to go thru this kind of life but I do believe one day He will let me know the reason! You are good all the time, Almighty God! I believe! Lastly...may I have a peaceful birthday this year ...

praise Vs pressure

2010-03-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Finally spm result came out. As usual got student felt so excited and in the same time got students felf so down and even some lost in their own worries. How about the teachers? i am not sure. How about me? Again...like last year I felt very excited for a few days then i lost again in my own world. To make sure that my students wont feel single doubt about my technical guidance, again I have to boast on the result...I hate this action very much !!!! I really hate myself for doing this !!!!! But I have to make sure my students trust in me...they don''t even have time to reconsider or to think about it! They have to believe in my way...they just don't have time....not enough time...Is it worthy to lost myself for it? The only thing that i am very sure is I am very disappointed with myself! When am I going to be myself again? God, when will You get me out of this? When? When I shout out for help, there is nobody really keen to listen to the voice of my heart especially when they know who I am. Can anybody in Penang accept me just as a simple me and not who I am or what i can do in their children's studies? Can? God, I want to go back to Sarawak.....city life is not suitable for me...popularity that i gain in Chung Ling make my spirit turn down and down...I am very happy for my students but not my life. I do enjoy a lot to teach my students! They are fantastic guys! I like them a lot and more and more very single day. That's why i am very scare...I am even much more scare if I fail to help them to improve their BM...if I fail my students...how? How? God, I am truely deeply depress.............I am worry every single day...everyday...God, why me? Why You choose me? But who am I to know the answer...You are my God my Lord from beginning til the end ! I live as a Chri ian and i'll die as a Christian army too with no regret !!! Never ever as a coward before You ! I still will proceed..God, I am Your army... I won't leave the team...i'll fight until my last breath to glorify Your name...give me strenght Lord...be quiet my heart..get rest my soul...tomorrow wil continue my journey again...get rest...just rest in Christ....

Diariku - Februari 2010.

2010-02-26T06:36:00.000-08:00

Sepantas kilat menyambar dua bulan dah menyusur dari kalendar tahun 2010. Sepanjang bulan disusuri hari dikejar minit lantas dilarikan saat, ku termenung menerawang detik hayatku sepanjang dua bulan ini. Memang ku rungut, memang ku pinta agar diriku tidak tumbuh bak pokok. Jawapan dari-Mu, Kau tak pernah jadikan ku sepohon pokok apatah lagi kesuma di taman fana. Ku dahan yang bertaut pada-Mu...Kaulah pokok yang menyuburi dahan-Mu, kaulah yang bekalkanku manik kudus dan mendukungku agar kukuh tersergam walau badai menerjah, ombak mengganas...pernah ku berjanji akan ku jalani kehidupan sekerdil rumput...tidak mencuri sejeling pun pandangan penghuni bumi bergelar pulau mutiara ini. Namun masakan bergunanya dahan jikalau menyembunyikan daunnya daripada meredupkan bahang, menghembuskan embun pada petang rembang? Antara rela dengan paksa kan ku menyerlahkan keajaiban-Nya dengan memekarkan daun hijau bagi membumbungi anak muridku yang kepanasan biar diriku, dahan yang sebelum ini tersipu memencil diri berdepan dengan pendedahan yang tak diundang. Sejarah silam akan berulang malah lebih dahsyat daripada zamanku di Miri, namun dengan seruan-Mu Tuhan, ku sedia tampil ke depan biarpun sejarah kejam bakal meledakkan kedamaian hidup yangku idam-idamkan selama ini ! Diriku mungkin akan kecundang lagi dalam dunia onak berduri demi baiduri yang Kau kasihi. Bulan Februari ku tinggalkan pelajar 5SB3. Setiap hari ku tanyakan guru yang menggantikanku khabar pelajarku di sana. Berita yang menyedihkan...kadangkala ku tertanya-tanya adakah ku penyebabnya anak buahku hilang haluan tanpa kemudi? Mampukah ku menyelami lubuk hati pelajar kelas 3TB4 yang baru ku ambil alih? Adakah ku ini sebenarnya seorang perampas yang keras hatinya? Adakah diriku penyebab anak buahku hilang semangat berjuang? Ku sekadar mampu berdoakan kesejahteraanmu dalam pelayaran berdepan dengan SPM...bagaimana dengan CF, kelab yang Kau-amanahkan padaku? Bapa di syurga, ku tak mampu memuliakan nama-Mu tanpa kehadiran-Kau di sisiku! Visiku cuma satu, meyemai benih-benih kasih sayang-Mu dalam diri anak-Mu di bumi ini! Tuhanku, sembuhkan lututku agar dapat ku berjalan jauh berlari pantas mengejar anak-Mu supaya dapat kembali bersama-sama...ke pintu syurga pada suatu hari nanti kelak......ku tak mampu melakukan apa-apa tanpa kehadiran-Mu dalam kehidupanku, bapaku di syurga. Oh ya...dalam bulan ini juga telah ku ketahui ku gagal dalam permohonanku untuk jawatan Guru Cemerlang Bahasa Melayu. Ku terima ketetapan-Mu dengan hati yang kecewa tetapi tenang kerana ku pasti ada hikmah di sebalik setiap rencana-Mu dalam hidup musafir-Mu yang Kau kasihi ini. Dalam segala ketetapan-Mu dalam kehidupanku adalah untuk kebaikanku, ku percaya! Amen.

Celebrate Vs Not goin to celebrate

2010-02-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

Everybody is unique n CNY give diffrent meaning to different person. Tonight was my second time within one week fall down on the floor. As usual I wonder am i still goin to stay alive or not.. can i move my body or not.... If tonight I back to heaven, will i regret not to celebrate CNY? I am sure the answere is no. Anyway i will feel sad cause cant finish those homemade cookies baked by my Chung Ling's boy. I will feel very disappointed cause I havent taste another homemade cookies baked by last year 5SA3's student. Both baked cookies for me with their sincere heart, so how could i leave before i manage to taste it? My year 2009 3TA2 plan to hv karaok at my place, I cant just go like that without listening to their sweet n sour voice...oh ya, my 5SP1's students visiting! isnt it that the moment when they able to step forward n stand firm with others classes students is the moment that I am always waiting for? Another gang from 5SA4 who managed to catch my heart even i am not their form teacher...n my 5SB3 students that i have to let go due to my work load...i havent have a chance to prove to them that to me they are always my students even i am no longer teaching them after CNY...my CF members...I cant let them down when they need me...they are wonderful God's soldiers...finally i found a small group of students who share the same dream with me in Chung Ling... is it the time for me to leave now? If i really back to heaven tonight, my beloved Miri students will not know about it. They might think that i already forget about them...forget about all my promisses to meet up with them...forget about those sweet old days in Miri...I wish to say goodbye to all my beloved young friends from miri before i leave...my family members...they will miss me alot...i wish to see my the only nephew grow up...i dun want my mum to send my dead body away...i really dun want to cause her tears drop because of me...she is a good mother...a gentle old lady...whether i am suppose to leave or to stay alive, the power is not in my hand! I am just an ordinary servant of God! I thank God for His mercy n love for me n in me! With grateful heart I thank You, Lord for allowing me to still stay alive for this moment. I like CNY because of the marvellous meet...but besides that, i still cant find any reason to celebrate CNY...so, I wont regret if I din celebrate CNY...

u believe Vs u don't believe.

2010-01-24T06:25:00.000-08:00

When we asked a child what do they want to be, i think that their answere is they want to become an adult so that they can be free. Anyway, they wont be able to foresee that adults lost their freedom even more after they reached end of their childhood. I have lots of things to pour out from the bottom of my heart but the voice never came out because it's not meant to be heard. Within this two years in Penang, I still struggle with His dicision to send me back. I think nobody here will believe that a teacher can miss her students from other state so much for so long..so i have to keep it in my heart alone... cause nobody here believe it...Do you know that i tried so hard to bring love and care in my students' life? No, nobody knows. I am very sad when a student told me that they don't care about their teachers after class end. But i want to be a part of my students's life..I want to be their friend so that i can give them a hand when they lost.... I think they realize about it but when they received their exam papers bo get scolded by me, some of them get confuse and turn to become don't belive anymore. Where does love go? Again i have to hide my feeling and pretend that it doesn't matter to get rejected by students...Do my students know that i tried very hard to stop my tears from dropping down during school special assembly? Why? Because nobody will believe that i can love my two form five boys by getting to know them around two weeks before the tragedy! Nobody knows that I still love and care about my year 2009 3TA2 students! Nobody believe!!!!! Some might believe at the beginning but it will change after they get their mark or get scolded by me again...nobody will believe! What had happened in my hometown? God, why You send me back? I really feel deeply helpless and my heart is always fill with sadness!!!!!! Lord, please do show me the way out before i get collapse...what do You put me into this place? I can't shout out !!!! Cause nobody believe !!!!!! God, i know You are good all the time...do send Your angels to console my heart...I am very tire and very lonely here....I cant denied that some of them are very wonderful and lovely students but they are too young to understand how I really feel...I know they are always be there to give me fully support but they are too young to give me the strenght that i need to overcome my circustances...Lord, i need more than that...I really don't want to argue with my BM students regarding essay writtings, no more teaching matter that against tuition teachers matter here...no more arguement with anyone in school regarding students' matter.....Lord, why You believe in me yet I start feel doubt about myself? Lord, now i am goin to rest in Your arm...give me wisdom and strenght to complete Your plan thru me...You are my Lord forever...Amen.

Penang Vs Miri

2009-12-12T22:11:00.000-08:00

What is the differences between Cung Ling's boys and Miri's students? Am i right or just because of my prejudice?...Let me about how you feel regarding my point of view...no offence ok? First of al...perbezaan:
1. Chung Ling's boys always call me 'Lau Shi'. Miri's students always call me Ms Yeoh.
2. Chung Ling's boys ... most of them know my full name. Miri's students...most of them don;t know about it.
3. Chung Ling's boys like to search their teachers; profile thru internet. Miri's students only search the profile of those teachers that they are close to.
4. Chung Ling's boys hardly to express their feeling to their teachers. Miri's students can get close to their teachers easier.
5. Chung Ling's boys feel inconveniet if their teachers greet them or talk to them in front of their friends outside school. Miri's students feel very excited can meet their teachers outside school.
6. Chung Ling's boys like to speak in Mandarin n Hokkien. Miri's students only like to speak in Mandarin and English.

Now...let us discuss about the similarities between this 2 groups of students...
1. Both respect those teachers who work hard n always by their side.
2. Both can hardly accept my marking skills which always give them low mark.
3. Both can accept teacher's negative comments if they knew or given the reasons.
4. Both are tuff and hardly give up.

From my point of view..
1. I care about both groups of students.
2. I do enjoy teaching them.
3. Sometimes both groups of students buat saya sakit kepala n kadang kala kepala sakit juga...

Any comment? Let me know how do u think?

Satu Vs Sembilan

2009-11-25T06:28:00.000-08:00

Pada petang hangat menusuk kalbu, jiwaku dilanda ribut salji lantas langkahku menjadi kaku. Angin bertiup zaman beralih. Namun patutkah budi dibiarkan jadi kudis? Hari ini ku terdengar suara sedu makku mendengar suatu khabar melalui telefon...hatiku terus bengis menanti si dia yang menitiskan air mata ibuku! Rupa-rupanya satu lagi tragis yang menimpa warga mas yang menagih simpati anak cucunya....Si dia yang lupa asal, si nun yang pelupa...masing-masing berdebat berbalah demi membuktikan satu perkara, wanita tua ini mak siapa! Duhai manusia durjana, kenapalah identiti wanita separuh nyanyuk ni dipertikaikan kini? Kenapa bukannya dari dulu lagi? Sebelum rambutnya beruban sebelum ingatannya mulai luntur dimamah usia...kenapa kini? Tergamak hati si dia yang bergelar anak...sembilan semuanya...bermuafakat dengan kepuasan tidak terhingga hinggap pada wajah mereka...ibu tua bakal dibawa ke Kuala Lumpur untuk menghadiri majlis perkahwinan cucunya...kononnya...patut gembira kan? Satu keramaian yang sarat dengan suara riang gembira menanti demi menghiburkan hati si ibu tua yang dianggap sudah nyanyuk...ya...majlis perkahwinan cucunya. Betul ke ini cucunya? Dia bersongkok? Namanya nama orang Melayu! Oh, rupa-rupanya cucu angkat yang dah lama tak bertembung muka! Rapat ke hubungan mereka? Sejauh makku tahu mereka jarang-jarang bertemu apatah lagi hidup sebumbung...sebenarnya di sanalah si ibu tua akan ditinggalkan! Akhirnya kelopak mata makku tidak tertakung lagi air jernih yang kian panas terasa...air mata makku berlinangan apabila terdengar sambungan ceritanya...wanita tua yang dikatakan dah nyanyuk menangis...meronta...menjerit...merayu agar dia tidak ditinggalkan...pada detik dia bakal ditinggalkan!!!! Dia tak kenal apa itu Kuala Lumpur!!! Dia ingin kembali ke kampung halamannya!!! Kampung yang tak sunyi daripada suara seorang ibu mengulit sembilan orang anak kecilnya pada suatu ketika dulu!!! Adakah keterlaluan permintaan terakhirnya? Adakah orang nyanyuk tahu merayu agar dirinya tidak ditinggalkan di tempat asing? Adakah orang nyanyuk mempunyai perasaan duka dan luka? Kesudahannya...seorang ibu tua ditinggalkan sembilan orang anaknya atas alasan wanita tua ni dah nyanyuk......hatiku turut hiba dan pedih tatkala ibuku memberitahuku khabar yang tidak diundang ini...makku berkata padaku nasib baik dia tak tunjukkan apa-apa petanda nyanyuk...namun mak, yakinlah pada keempat-empat orang anakmu ini...kau sentiasa ibu kesayangan dan mahkota hati anak cucumu sampai selama-lamanya...kau bukan sahaja takkan ditinggalkan sesiapa...malah kau sentiasa hidup mekar dalam taman hati setiap anakmu sampai selama-lamanya...

2 ways Vs 1 choice

2009-10-20T02:04:00.000-07:00

As long as we manage to open our eyes, it seems that we hv to make a choice. To my PMR boys, they also need to decide want to go to school or stay at home to bertapa demi pulihkan tenaga selepas bertarung hingga titisan peluh yang terakhir. To my SPM boys, they need to make their choice too...bergelut untuk SPM di rumah atau meningkatkan kemahiran bersosial di sekolah...me? Most of the time it seems no way but have one choice. Shall we feel blessed when there is only one choice before us? How about if that choice actually is no choice? Human always get themselve into a conflict. More than one way, we complain because we have to make a choice but when we have only one way, we also complain cause we have no choice! Same that when we try to make an order. When we look at the menu, we get confuse caused don't know what to choose but when the menu is so limited choices, we complain. To me, no matter what kind of ways we choose, finally will reach to the end...just a matter of time...then during that time we will know our choice is the right one or not. Like me, most of the time I get confuse too. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes i get angry, sometimes I just miss my Sarawak students very much, some how I realized that i start call Chung Ling boys as 'my students'...no longer as 'penang's students'...but in the same time I feel scare too...do they really care and accept me like my Sarawak students? I just stood there and don't know what to do. Once I accept students as my students, my heart can easily break if he or she betray me. I faced it once before and it took me back to normal after a year plus. 2 ways 1 choice... it can make our life full of excitement but in the same time can ruin our daily life. Then how to choose? Follow our heart guided by our Heavenly Father. If this is the way He wants us to proceed, just go ahead even it seems like a hard way cause we will see the sunlight soon. Pray and trust in Him. Doing the right thing doesn't means that doing the thing that we like. The core business in Christianity is LOVE. So, make a right choice that please Him...not ourselve. I manage to love others because He loves me first. Follow His choice...His way...the right choice....God bless you all always.

A letter to Chiet Joo

2009-07-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Chiet Joo, it has been quite a long time you keep silence. The first time i met you, you were just a form two young lady. During that time I just served in education field for 2 years. I had my own ambition, my vision, my ego. Because of my back ground, I always told myself I will help those poor students to stand up for their right and fight for their life. I will be there for them ! Broken history shouldn't repeat on my poor students...my students...Anywhere you are one of those that i overlook at the beginning of my career as a teacher...those from good back ground....to me I had nothing to give except teaching. Students from good back ground don't need me. But I never told you that my memories about you had changed my life as a teacher forever. I still remember that you spoon feed me with a nugget that you cooked during ERT lesson...I ate it with ordinary feeling...I still remember one day you asked your friend to ask me whether you can join me to Popular bookstore after tuition....again i said yes with a cool feeling. I just wondering what do you want from me? I am not the one that you are looking for neither do I ! You don't need my attention! The third memory about you is when LEO Club had a trip to Brunei, you squeeze in to sleep near by me...you managed to get a space to sleep head to head with me on the floor ! Any way i still entertaint your request with an ordinary heart. The fourth memory is when you point out my mistake in one of the Economic's formula. You did ask me in such a polite way but I refused to admitt it. My ego shouldn't ruin by a good back ground student...Economics just your external subject...how could it be that I make a mistake? When I still struggle, the fifth memory drop in my life and finally had opened my eyes, my ears ...my heart ! Finally I let go my ego! I am able to apologize to students...I always be there for my students...all kind of back ground ! All are my students ! All !I love them very much ! It's because of you ! I really wish that I can say thank you to you personally! I really hope that I can admmit my mistake before you! I really hope that I will be given one more chance but the fifth memory remind me that I won't have any chances to say it anymore...no more...just no more....you already with Him...Quek Liang was the first person who told me about that news! I didn't respon cause it can't be! School closed caused of haze...why you were out from your house? Why you ride your bicycle up to the hill? You are too young to leave...just too young to leave this world....I am sorry I ignored you those days...i am sorry I withdraw my love from you...I am sorry i refused to admmit my mistake...I am sorry that i only know how to become a teacher after you have gone...I am sorry Chiet Joo...I am truely sorry...you are always in my heart. Really...forever....Do rest in peace.

Michael Vs Jackson

2009-06-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I heard from my friends in school shocked with the news about Michael Jackson's death. Is it a big deal if the person who dead called Michael or Jackson? I believe Michael Jackson can imagine how shock the world with his death but unfortunately he will never ever have a chance to feel it cause his journey in this world already reached the end. Its same for all human kind. No matter how wonderful, glamours or unnoticed person we are, when we die, people might cry out or cheer up for it but it mean nothing to the one who already stop breathing. We wont see it, feel it or have any connection with this world and it's peole. So, what is the reason to be a nice, warm and loving good person since we are not going to have those pride after we pass away? why? It's because we wish that we will see the path to heaven after we once again open our eyes. Remember that we are the one who cry out so loud yet people surrounding us smile and laugh when we were born. But when we die, we should smile in peace and their will cry out loud for their lost one. Anyway we hope to meet them in heaven. So, we become a nice good person not to get good name, glory or wealth but...its what God wants from us...may God blessed you and let our life be a blessing to others.

rumput Vs pokok

2009-05-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hidup ini kerap membawa kita ke persimpangan dan kita dituntut untuk buat pilihan. Kadangkala nampaknya kita yang menentukan hala tuju kita tetapi kebanyakan kali situasi nampaknya terbalik. Misalnya senang untuk menyatakan kepada diri kita bahawa kita wajar henti bersedih...kesudahannya kita bertambah sedih! Hentikan pemikiran kita tentang si dia yang pengkhianat, namun akhirnya hati kita yang kian terguris! Sama juga dengan diriku kini...ku ingin jadi serumpun rumput di tepi jalan. Tiada siapa yang beriku perhatian..ku idam akan hidupku yang serba ringkas. Namun, ku tetap dijadikan sepohon pokok! Banyak juga anak remaja pernah berteduh di bawah pokok ni...tak salahkan? Masalahnya ku kan jadi tumpuan burung hantu, burung gagak, ular...diserang, disakiti, dirosakkan...ini bukan kehendak hatiku untuk menjadi sepohon pokok...sejakku berpindah keluar dari bumi keyalang telahku janji pada diriku untuk menjadi serumpun rumput...dah cukup sengsara menjadi sepohon pokok di halaman St Columba...ku betul-betul ingin hidup aman dan bebas daripada hasad dengki dan dendam yang tiada kesudahan...namun kata-kata Ms Teh, bekas kaunselor St Columba terngiang-ngiang kembali dalam telingaku...dia begitu pasti tatkala mengatakan padaku bahawa ku tidak mungkin menjadi serumpun rumput walau ke manapun ku bawa diriku! Ku tak berniat untuk mengancam apatah lagi merampas kedudukan mana-mana pihak...kenapa harusku kau anggap sebagai musuh ketatmu? Pernah seorang anak buahku memberitahuku...menurutnya orang yang tulus tidak akan berjaya malah akan dimusnahkan musuh yang tidak diundang...adat hidup kononnya...masih ku ingat akan jawapanku...ku katakan bahawa kita wajar gunakan kebijaksanaan untuk mengecapi kejayaan lantas melindungi diri kita daripada serangan musuh...bukannya kelicikan...walaupun ku masih sentiasa menjadi buruan musuh yang tak diundang, namun ku tetap percaya akan prinsip ketulusan dan keikhlasan jiwa...memang bukan pilihanku untuk menjadi sepohon pokok tapi ditakdirkan-Nya...ku benci akan hidup glamour tetapi itulah kehidupan yang akan mengiringiku...alangkah bahagianya untuk hidup bebas dan tidak diberikan perhatian oleh sesiapa...bagai rumput yang tumbuh di tepi jalan....

st co Vs chung ling

2009-03-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

A few days ago SPM result came out. I was so busy with my Chung Ling's boys BM result! Very excited with their result...too excited until I forgot...forgot about my students in Miri ...too busy? Too busy until I forgot to on my Miri cell phone number? ...i forgot...totally forgot until I met him in chat room...his words knocked the door of my heart! My vow as a teacher...once you were my students, forever I am your teacher and I will try my best to take care of you. How could I become so forgetful? Is it because of the deepest hurt and betray from the one who i loved and care so much? May be by those who disappointed me on my very last moment in Miri? Or the achievement here make me forget about Miri and my dreams to back to Sarawak once again? Hey, it's posssible too. Last year I came to Chung Ling Hight School to start me journey as a BM teacher and their result directly affect my confidence and reflect the effectiveness of my teaching scale at my hometown. Thank God for the fantastic result! 40 out of 41 students got 1A for BM and only one got 2A! Wow...even now when I talk about it, I feel very excited and just want to jump and jump none stop!......but when i think about what he told me, I know I am lost in victory...he told me that he got 10A1...he said thank you to me...but ... I left them when they need me! Why came back and said thank you to me? Why? Why told me that you still bared in mind what I thought you when you were in form four? I left you all...I left...remember?...i left...but I thank you for what you said...really...caused I did start to forget about my Miri's students and my dreams to go back...i am sorry...I am sorry...when anger cover over love, my mind turn blank and I lost in nowhere...can you all please forgive me for my forgetness? I am sorry...

016-488 Vs 016-871

2009-01-31T07:13:00.000-08:00

Still in Chinese new year mood? To me, the most important part and the centre of this occasion is Chinese New Year eve dinner. Sometimes I believed I can forgive and forget so that i can move on and have a new beginning in this new year... sometimes...I remembered that I did manage to do so once before but not in this crucial case. I can't forgive cause I am not ready to allow myself to forget what this person did to me. Sometimes I also wonder why! Why not this time? What so special? I don't know but may be I know. Nobody ever hurt me as much as this yet trapped me with all the guilts alone. I need time and I need God even more to set me free...completely! Once we grap it, too slide chance to let it go. It's like 2 phone numbers, 016-488 and 016-871. I did stop using old handphone number and switch to a new number. Somehow during special occasion, I will activate the old number again. What do I expect thru this old number? Nothing more than juat a memories. This year the sms that i received during Chinese New Year mostly from 016-488-from 04-...am I the forgetten one or been forgotten? Just too hard to terminate 016-871 and forget about 085- but i know somehow this number means nothing anymore. So, I decided to leave it there and terminate by itself when it's out of credit end of this year. i am too tire...anyway...I am not ready to let my memories fade just like that cause I really pour out my deepest love there...I still stand firm in my feet that once I called you my friend, forever I will love you.

a baby Vs an adult

2008-12-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

One day an adult met a baby at a bus station. Both starred at each other then the conversation begun.
"Hey little boy, don't you know how lucky you are?"
"What? Don't you realize that when i was born, I was the only one who was crying while people surrounding me keep on smilling and ignore my feeling! Is it what you called lucky?"
"Of course! When you cried or make a little sound, they will give you full attention! Your every single move always catch their full attention!Not like me! My parents and others alway ignore me especially about my thought and how I feel!You should feel happy to be a baby!"
"No! That's not true! We, babies very pity too caused nobody understand our launguage! What we can do is keep on crying and some time our parents get angry with us and thought that we are bad! We don't have a right to choose our food or anything. Why? Because we have to follow, accept and obey whatever is given by our parents for 'our own good'! Everything is from their point of view! This you call hapiness?"
Again, they looked at each other...maintain silence...why? Seems like nobody is happy. Why? Nobody met the one who wants to listen to their voice! Nobody willing to sense the sound from others' heart!

The bus arrived. They make their own move. The little baby jouney is determin by the person who carry him. He need to obey. This adult have to make his own move cause nobody there for him. Thier voice reach no where. So, where can we find hapiness? The answere is when we have somebody who is willing to hear our voice and understand our heart! No matter you have found your hapiness or not, life still go on. Take care, my beloved friends. No matter you are a 'baby' or an adult, when you found out nobody to talk to or to hear your says, talk to Him. He will listen. God bless and Merry Christmas!

Coming back vs going home

2008-12-04T06:04:00.000-08:00

What so special about 5th Dec? 5th Dec year 2007, the last moment and the last day my feet still in Miri.I keep on reminding myself that I will be back to Miri for a yearly vacation or may be to stay put there after my retirement. 2nd July 1995, I stepped in this wonderful land for a very first time and I left on 5th Dec 2007. My first Chung Hua's student and my first batch students...finally my last batch students. Tonight, I asked myself is it anybody there waiting and hoping for my return? Is it anybody there? Some already move to other states or other contries. I already changed my email and phone number. How we going to keep in touch? I am doubt.Even now, I am very confuse. Am I going back to Miri? Where is my own house? Where is my own car? I have nothing there. I am not going back to Miri but it is just a visiting. I am just a visitor! Thank God cause on 5th Dec I will join my secondary school classmates to have a trip to KL to meet up with another old friend of mine. So, 5th Dec will be the day to be remembered...remember of what? Leaving [Miri], coming back [Penang]and going to catch up with my old friends [KL]. Besides that, I am going to meet with my Miri ex-student from Chung Hua and my ex-coursemate [USM]from PJ...pertembungan antara dua zaman. So, until now I still don't know who am I and who I want to be. Is it because of my deepest love to Miri, Sarawak and my church or because of old memories that always hold me back? What should I do? My love to my beloved friends in Miri will never ever fade...no matter what! My life, my heart, I give it to God! This is for sure. Why? Caused get hurt very badly and almost lost myself. By who? No comment caused this person is a creation of God too. So, what is my conclusion? I am not going or coming anywhere. I am a Malaysian. All this way, I never moved or serve in other contries! 5th Dec just another ordinary day and the meanning of this day is filled with God's blessing, protection and His will to glorify His kingdom! Amen!

new friends and old friends

2008-11-22T01:37:00.000-08:00

Recently is school long term holiday.. i felt quite bored until i received a good news that one of my first batch student from Miri going to pay me a visit! Wow...me was so excited! My students from Miri, my beloved friends that i miss very much. Another three who work in Penang also joinned us for the meet. One of them already become a father. Surrounding by my Miri's friends bring back my laugh and joy again! Just now I checked my blog and noticed some more me beloved students tried to get me! I tried to reply but i don't now how! Eemmmm....it's time for me to upgrate my computer skill! To my old friends, my phone number is...... and my email is ....... Just wish my old friends to know that I do miss you all alot and I don't want to loose contact with anyone of you. I have all kind of students in my life. Some have a wierd name like katak, kura-kura, zebra etc. In my memories I only have my friends and those who hurts me so deeply, I passed the case to God and me, hands off. So, I only have friends in Miri. Not more than that. When I was thinking about my old days with my friends, my current school student contact me. He asked me out with his classmates after their SPM last paper! Wow! What a shock to me! I never thought that they accept me as thier senior friend..or may be all this while I withdraw myself from accepting new friends! Will I loose my old friends after accepting new friends? The answere is no! Every one is unique and nobody can replace each other! In Miri, I have 'boyfriends' and 'girlfriends' but here, all my new friends are boys...they are from boys school...to me, in all kind of relationship, the core business is sincerety! No matter near or far, boys or girls, I accept you as who you are and i love you all very very very much once I accepted you .... and ... called you .... my friend...

Front door and the back door

2008-10-26T02:34:00.000-07:00

Recently I have a new hobby...do some reading before bed time. Yesterday I read about this article. The writter wrote: when God closed the front door, He will open the back door for us. You know what...hahaha...yesterday my mum pushed my brother to opened the back door so can do some cleanning since so many years been closed for safety purpose. My brother seems not so happy about it cause the back door was hardly to open and he wish to have more rest. Anyway, as a son, he obeyed. Yesterday evening time, my brother cant get out from his house caused the front door's key stuck inside and no way to fix it. Thank God caused already get ready the back door for him. He just need to make a big round before reach the gate to get his car. Today after church, he and my mum caught outside his house because the back door locked from inside and he forgot to bring that bunch of keys with him. Yet praise the Lord caused I went back home after sending them. Our house is very near. He called and I fetched them to have lunch and rest in my house til his friend came over to open the door.. of course the lock damaged. The key for our daily prolems shooting is to seek Him first unless we want to use our own way. Sometimes when I think back the tragic and betray that almost took my soul away, I felt immese sad and just can't help it. But I thank God. He closed the front door to protect me and safe me from keep on be used and manipulated. He knows I will be very sad and it will last for quite some time but He must closed the front door because He loves me so much. He did open the back door for me but I brought the futile memories with me. Thats why I can't get through the back door! I get caught inside! Thank God again, through His servant, I realize that we have to surrender our burdens to Him and also MUST REMEMBER to leave them there with Him so that we can set free, release and relief to get through the back door. To those who is heart broken or full of heart burdens, remember the back door and get through that door with empty hands peaceful heart. May God bless you and protect you always from the darkside.

I had a dream

2008-10-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Quite a long time I didn't have any dreams while I fall to sleep until a few days back. I saw myself pass by a small valley. I just wonder why people gather at a small hill and like waiting for something to happen. There is nothing there except a four floors motel. I ask and the answer i get is ...wait until midnight. It turn dark very fast. I saw some people go in. Through their face and their posture, I know they are deperate people. They must feel really down but why they choose that motel? Is it no other way or place to turn to? One of the people there told me that the ownner just provide strong wain to any customers who are interested. He never force. After sometime...i can hear the fighting sound very clearly from there. My heart really burden by those sound. They are hurting each other. Then i saw one body fall down from 4th floor and die. Finally I understand...they went there because they have give up hope and dead is what they choose. Outsider can't do anything because the choice is in our hand. This is the real dream came to me that night and I thank God that I didn't choose that path even I almost enter that motel once before. I wil do whatever I could to be there for my family, my friends and welcome them to my hut...my warm heart to take a break and a good rest before they continue their journey. I learn through the incredible experience...If I really love you means that I always love you no matter i need you or not. If I only love you when i need you, this i call as manipulating. I wish I can open a hut near by the motel as an alternative for those heart broken to take a rest. My beloved friends, if have time, do drop by to my hut. Love is free, care is free and hands are there to give you a free hug ... I got hurt very deeply but thank God, I still choose to love His people caused He loves me so much and He send His love through His people to bring me up again...with love not revenge or hate. Welcome to my hut.

I carried you to bring me home.

2008-09-30T04:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just wonder why it seems so far to reach home. I know I am in the right path, I know i am moving and the view keep on changing but why I am still seems so far away from home. Then I met you, a little boy. Hey, I dont think that you know the answere for my question...i dont think that you can help me either to find the way home...no way! never mind. I still smile at you and greet you a good day cause i wish my smile can console your sadness. I proceed my journey, a journey that bring me no way. Not far from you, I heard your crying voice. Young boy, may I help you? Are you also lost? Let me carry you and sing you a song. It's my honour to be there for you, my dear little friend. Your village just a mile from here?I am very impressed! You know your way home! You just scare to walk alone. Dont worry, I will be with you until my service is call off. Do I feel tire? No, I am not because I have you not only you have me. I saw your village already. Green grass with roses. The aroma is the sweetest whalming welcoming home to you, my young friend. You are the lucky one. Then you gave me a warm hug before say good bye ... your hug make my heart beep again...yupp... I found the answere!!!...thank you...thank you for carrying me home too!!!...now I know...i know...my heart will show me the way home not the past...the past dragged back and put me still...may God bless you and your family, my young friend and thank you...the first key to go home is remember to bring our heart with us and never look back...I am on my way home again...thank you Lord..and thank you for this little angel that u send to me...to bring me home...

Last episod for chapter 1: Finally I met him.

2008-09-24T05:53:00.000-07:00

I am very tired...How far I walked.. I am not sure. Just remembered that I felt down when I took a walk sometime ago. So painful. My right hand was bleeding. There was a young lady passed by. She looked at me then left me with a microscope. I just starred at her until she was lost in my sight.. I just wondered why she left me just like that yet i never dare really to walk away when she cried! We are a very close. She left me with a microscope and two four letters word...one is 'hurt' and one is 'hate'...I cant understand...never mind...at least now i have a microscope...may be i get the answeres. Hei, why am i crying?..none stop some more...Why? My right hand full of dirt and I even can see blood under my skin! Its a serious injury!!! Can see so clearly! What should I do? Suddenly I heard his voice. So gentle in the silence. I raise up my face. He is sitting at a small rock...not far yet not near to me. "Anna, its me," What a shock! How you know my name? Hey, since when my surrounding turned dark? I am in the middle of the jungle? Even worst...a deep cliff is just one step in front of me! When I reached there? It is already dark and I am alone here. "I can't see you? Who are you? Is it you who bring me here?"..."No, its not me but you yourself and the microscope. I was observing you and keep on calling you but you didn't hear it caused you were too busy... so, I have to keep on waiting for a small space in your sight to respon to me," What? You were there with me all the time? Then why don't you stop me? I almost fall down to the cliff!"..."That's why I am here, my dear," 'Mr, I feel vert cood, tire, get hurt and hungry! Can you show me the way home? I just want to go home...just go home...can you help me?"..."My dear, the microscope brought you here..chainned your legs ...bond your soul ...lead you to the darkness! I know you well. You woundn't bring any huge harm to anyone. Your heart is sofhten then clouds. You always turn back even you know it will bring disaster to your life! It is the microscope that lady gave you. It makes your heart turn cold and burn your soul with plenty of blames and guilties! You have to throw it it to the cliff to see your way home!"..."No! Its a present from her to acompany me! It might be the clue for me to know the secret behind two four letters word she left for me!"..."Yes, to accompany you to bring your life to the end! Look at your wounds...it is just a small scatches.. look at! Alone in the dark! Throw it now! You will find the clue for those words! Throw it now!"... "Who are you? Why should I listen to you?"..."Throw it now, my dear...you have no more time...no more chance to see the scene behind those suffer you have been through! Just throw it! Then I will tell you who I am,"...If this is the only hope to go home, I must and have to try..a try...a trial...and a trust just because he is the only one I have now... okay, I throw! I throw it! Now! A strong light just flash to my eyes...forced me turn to the back! I covered my face with my hands! I look up...I saw a path... flowers at both sides...rainbow in the sky...the lightness...yes...this is the path to go home! Where is he? Who is he?...He is gone in the wind...I opened my hands...there is a leaf at both side...i open it slowly...a leaf...the curve on the leaf at my left...only one four letters word...'LOVE'...the leaf on ly right is his name...I know him...yapp...quite a long time ago...and i almost forget him...His name is ... Gabriel, the angle from our Father in heaven...I can feel my heart beep again...my soul get alive again...the joy of love and the move of my foots...faster then ever...I am ready...I found it...i found the way home! I am coming home, my Father!

Four Letters Word

2008-09-23T01:17:00.002-07:00

There are so many words in four letters but which word will come out from our mind is depend on the climate of our heart. There are two words crossed my mind just now which are totally contradicted, one is 'love' and one is 'hate'. Love is the foundation of hate? Is it true? I hate you so much show that actually i still love you very much? To me, the answer in NO. Love and hate cannot stand together. If I love you, no matter what you did to me and how much hurt you bring to me, I will forgive and accept you as you are...as many times as it could take until the love fade. Its not because of hate but its because the love faded. When we stop loving somebody, its doesn't mean we hate that person! It's just a turning point to change the relationship to become a friendship. Why must we replace the fading love with hate? Life is so short and has very limited space to fill in. So why have to fill with hate? If fall apart, cant we wish and bless each other have another wonderful journey? God loves us so much. Because of our sin, we fall apart from God but God still loves us so much and never ever hope that we all will fall to hell. He still 'open' the heaven 'gate' for us to go 'home'. Punishment...is use to make us reliaze our own faults, correct our misdoings and become a better person...not as a way to show hate and revenge. So, if we are angry, have arguement, a fight or even decided to fall apart, forgiveness and blessing are the way to say goodbye and blessed by God and one day if we met again, we still can smile and greet each other. Even we don't have the same way in our life journey but we still can choose the same path to heaven. Lets put aside this four letters word ... 'hate' in any kind of broken relationship to feel free to soar the blue sky and under the thunder with our strong wings without any burden in our heart.

Lost and found Vs found and lost

2008-09-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we are not sure which is the right one...lost after found or found after lost...it seems that the first one will fill with tear and the other one will fill with joy but I found something else in the middle. Recently I lost something which is very precious to me. It makes me can't sleep for a few nights. I lost it and i lost myself completely. Tears like a stream took my life away. My mum cried, my brothers and sisters worried...if continue like this i will die slowly...they wondered what so precious until the lost can caused them to loose a daughter, a sister, a friend...Actually I start face difficulties to sleep since April cause i i am and always very worry ... worry that I might loose my precious one when I am not alert enough. What is that? It's love. But i lost it a few days ago and darkness was my world.. from sadness turned to anger...how I lost it? Through words...through words i hurt the person i love so much...through words I wasted every single chances I had...and through words bring to the end. Today, finally I can't go to work at all. I know its time to seek for a hut to rest...or else will get hunt to the dead. Lost after found does bring lots of repent, sadness, blames, hopeless and helpless but thank God...He back to me...in Matt 11:28 - 29. What is really bring all the sadness is not will find the lost or not but is forgiveness from the lost, the one that we care so much yet we hurt so much. Forgiveness doesn't means acceptance. I pray in Jesus Christ name to get forgiveness from the precious lost and hope to get the real precious present once again in my life...Not the return of the lost one, but the forgiveness is the most precious one...for the lost...already found a way out...praise God for that and may God bless you and protect you all time...and hope that you will remember to forgive me, the lost one to set you and me free...as long as yo are fine, my soul will rest.