rumput Vs pokok

Hidup ini kerap membawa kita ke persimpangan dan kita dituntut untuk buat pilihan. Kadangkala nampaknya kita yang menentukan hala tuju kita tetapi kebanyakan kali situasi nampaknya terbalik. Misalnya senang untuk menyatakan kepada diri kita bahawa kita wajar henti bersedih...kesudahannya kita bertambah sedih! Hentikan pemikiran kita tentang si dia yang pengkhianat, namun akhirnya hati kita yang kian terguris! Sama juga dengan diriku kini...ku ingin jadi serumpun rumput di tepi jalan. Tiada siapa yang beriku perhatian..ku idam akan hidupku yang serba ringkas. Namun, ku tetap dijadikan sepohon pokok! Banyak juga anak remaja pernah berteduh di bawah pokok ni...tak salahkan? Masalahnya ku kan jadi tumpuan burung hantu, burung gagak, ular...diserang, disakiti, dirosakkan...ini bukan kehendak hatiku untuk menjadi sepohon pokok...sejakku berpindah keluar dari bumi keyalang telahku janji pada diriku untuk menjadi serumpun rumput...dah cukup sengsara menjadi sepohon pokok di halaman St Columba...ku betul-betul ingin hidup aman dan bebas daripada hasad dengki dan dendam yang tiada kesudahan...namun kata-kata Ms Teh, bekas kaunselor St Columba terngiang-ngiang kembali dalam telingaku...dia begitu pasti tatkala mengatakan padaku bahawa ku tidak mungkin menjadi serumpun rumput walau ke manapun ku bawa diriku! Ku tak berniat untuk mengancam apatah lagi merampas kedudukan mana-mana pihak...kenapa harusku kau anggap sebagai musuh ketatmu? Pernah seorang anak buahku memberitahuku...menurutnya orang yang tulus tidak akan berjaya malah akan dimusnahkan musuh yang tidak diundang...adat hidup kononnya...masih ku ingat akan jawapanku...ku katakan bahawa kita wajar gunakan kebijaksanaan untuk mengecapi kejayaan lantas melindungi diri kita daripada serangan musuh...bukannya kelicikan...walaupun ku masih sentiasa menjadi buruan musuh yang tak diundang, namun ku tetap percaya akan prinsip ketulusan dan keikhlasan jiwa...memang bukan pilihanku untuk menjadi sepohon pokok tapi ditakdirkan-Nya...ku benci akan hidup glamour tetapi itulah kehidupan yang akan mengiringiku...alangkah bahagianya untuk hidup bebas dan tidak diberikan perhatian oleh sesiapa...bagai rumput yang tumbuh di tepi jalan....

st co Vs chung ling

A few days ago SPM result came out. I was so busy with my Chung Ling's boys BM result! Very excited with their result...too excited until I forgot...forgot about my students in Miri ...too busy? Too busy until I forgot to on my Miri cell phone number? ...i forgot...totally forgot until I met him in chat room...his words knocked the door of my heart! My vow as a teacher...once you were my students, forever I am your teacher and I will try my best to take care of you. How could I become so forgetful? Is it because of the deepest hurt and betray from the one who i loved and care so much? May be by those who disappointed me on my very last moment in Miri? Or the achievement here make me forget about Miri and my dreams to back to Sarawak once again? Hey, it's posssible too. Last year I came to Chung Ling Hight School to start me journey as a BM teacher and their result directly affect my confidence and reflect the effectiveness of my teaching scale at my hometown. Thank God for the fantastic result! 40 out of 41 students got 1A for BM and only one got 2A! Wow...even now when I talk about it, I feel very excited and just want to jump and jump none stop!......but when i think about what he told me, I know I am lost in victory...he told me that he got 10A1...he said thank you to me...but ... I left them when they need me! Why came back and said thank you to me? Why? Why told me that you still bared in mind what I thought you when you were in form four? I left you all...I left...remember?...i left...but I thank you for what you said...really...caused I did start to forget about my Miri's students and my dreams to go back...i am sorry...I am sorry...when anger cover over love, my mind turn blank and I lost in nowhere...can you all please forgive me for my forgetness? I am sorry...

016-488 Vs 016-871

Still in Chinese new year mood? To me, the most important part and the centre of this occasion is Chinese New Year eve dinner. Sometimes I believed I can forgive and forget so that i can move on and have a new beginning in this new year... sometimes...I remembered that I did manage to do so once before but not in this crucial case. I can't forgive cause I am not ready to allow myself to forget what this person did to me. Sometimes I also wonder why! Why not this time? What so special? I don't know but may be I know. Nobody ever hurt me as much as this yet trapped me with all the guilts alone. I need time and I need God even more to set me free...completely! Once we grap it, too slide chance to let it go. It's like 2 phone numbers, 016-488 and 016-871. I did stop using old handphone number and switch to a new number. Somehow during special occasion, I will activate the old number again. What do I expect thru this old number? Nothing more than juat a memories. This year the sms that i received during Chinese New Year mostly from 016-488-from 04-...am I the forgetten one or been forgotten? Just too hard to terminate 016-871 and forget about 085- but i know somehow this number means nothing anymore. So, I decided to leave it there and terminate by itself when it's out of credit end of this year. i am too tire...anyway...I am not ready to let my memories fade just like that cause I really pour out my deepest love there...I still stand firm in my feet that once I called you my friend, forever I will love you.

a baby Vs an adult

One day an adult met a baby at a bus station. Both starred at each other then the conversation begun.
"Hey little boy, don't you know how lucky you are?"
"What? Don't you realize that when i was born, I was the only one who was crying while people surrounding me keep on smilling and ignore my feeling! Is it what you called lucky?"
"Of course! When you cried or make a little sound, they will give you full attention! Your every single move always catch their full attention!Not like me! My parents and others alway ignore me especially about my thought and how I feel!You should feel happy to be a baby!"
"No! That's not true! We, babies very pity too caused nobody understand our launguage! What we can do is keep on crying and some time our parents get angry with us and thought that we are bad! We don't have a right to choose our food or anything. Why? Because we have to follow, accept and obey whatever is given by our parents for 'our own good'! Everything is from their point of view! This you call hapiness?"
Again, they looked at each other...maintain silence...why? Seems like nobody is happy. Why? Nobody met the one who wants to listen to their voice! Nobody willing to sense the sound from others' heart!

The bus arrived. They make their own move. The little baby jouney is determin by the person who carry him. He need to obey. This adult have to make his own move cause nobody there for him. Thier voice reach no where. So, where can we find hapiness? The answere is when we have somebody who is willing to hear our voice and understand our heart! No matter you have found your hapiness or not, life still go on. Take care, my beloved friends. No matter you are a 'baby' or an adult, when you found out nobody to talk to or to hear your says, talk to Him. He will listen. God bless and Merry Christmas!

Coming back vs going home

What so special about 5th Dec? 5th Dec year 2007, the last moment and the last day my feet still in Miri.I keep on reminding myself that I will be back to Miri for a yearly vacation or may be to stay put there after my retirement. 2nd July 1995, I stepped in this wonderful land for a very first time and I left on 5th Dec 2007. My first Chung Hua's student and my first batch students...finally my last batch students. Tonight, I asked myself is it anybody there waiting and hoping for my return? Is it anybody there? Some already move to other states or other contries. I already changed my email and phone number. How we going to keep in touch? I am doubt.Even now, I am very confuse. Am I going back to Miri? Where is my own house? Where is my own car? I have nothing there. I am not going back to Miri but it is just a visiting. I am just a visitor! Thank God cause on 5th Dec I will join my secondary school classmates to have a trip to KL to meet up with another old friend of mine. So, 5th Dec will be the day to be remembered...remember of what? Leaving [Miri], coming back [Penang]and going to catch up with my old friends [KL]. Besides that, I am going to meet with my Miri ex-student from Chung Hua and my ex-coursemate [USM]from PJ...pertembungan antara dua zaman. So, until now I still don't know who am I and who I want to be. Is it because of my deepest love to Miri, Sarawak and my church or because of old memories that always hold me back? What should I do? My love to my beloved friends in Miri will never ever fade...no matter what! My life, my heart, I give it to God! This is for sure. Why? Caused get hurt very badly and almost lost myself. By who? No comment caused this person is a creation of God too. So, what is my conclusion? I am not going or coming anywhere. I am a Malaysian. All this way, I never moved or serve in other contries! 5th Dec just another ordinary day and the meanning of this day is filled with God's blessing, protection and His will to glorify His kingdom! Amen!

new friends and old friends

Recently is school long term holiday.. i felt quite bored until i received a good news that one of my first batch student from Miri going to pay me a visit! Wow...me was so excited! My students from Miri, my beloved friends that i miss very much. Another three who work in Penang also joinned us for the meet. One of them already become a father. Surrounding by my Miri's friends bring back my laugh and joy again! Just now I checked my blog and noticed some more me beloved students tried to get me! I tried to reply but i don't now how! Eemmmm....it's time for me to upgrate my computer skill! To my old friends, my phone number is...... and my email is ....... Just wish my old friends to know that I do miss you all alot and I don't want to loose contact with anyone of you. I have all kind of students in my life. Some have a wierd name like katak, kura-kura, zebra etc. In my memories I only have my friends and those who hurts me so deeply, I passed the case to God and me, hands off. So, I only have friends in Miri. Not more than that. When I was thinking about my old days with my friends, my current school student contact me. He asked me out with his classmates after their SPM last paper! Wow! What a shock to me! I never thought that they accept me as thier senior friend..or may be all this while I withdraw myself from accepting new friends! Will I loose my old friends after accepting new friends? The answere is no! Every one is unique and nobody can replace each other! In Miri, I have 'boyfriends' and 'girlfriends' but here, all my new friends are boys...they are from boys school...to me, in all kind of relationship, the core business is sincerety! No matter near or far, boys or girls, I accept you as who you are and i love you all very very very much once I accepted you .... and ... called you .... my friend...

Front door and the back door

Recently I have a new hobby...do some reading before bed time. Yesterday I read about this article. The writter wrote: when God closed the front door, He will open the back door for us. You know what...hahaha...yesterday my mum pushed my brother to opened the back door so can do some cleanning since so many years been closed for safety purpose. My brother seems not so happy about it cause the back door was hardly to open and he wish to have more rest. Anyway, as a son, he obeyed. Yesterday evening time, my brother cant get out from his house caused the front door's key stuck inside and no way to fix it. Thank God caused already get ready the back door for him. He just need to make a big round before reach the gate to get his car. Today after church, he and my mum caught outside his house because the back door locked from inside and he forgot to bring that bunch of keys with him. Yet praise the Lord caused I went back home after sending them. Our house is very near. He called and I fetched them to have lunch and rest in my house til his friend came over to open the door.. of course the lock damaged. The key for our daily prolems shooting is to seek Him first unless we want to use our own way. Sometimes when I think back the tragic and betray that almost took my soul away, I felt immese sad and just can't help it. But I thank God. He closed the front door to protect me and safe me from keep on be used and manipulated. He knows I will be very sad and it will last for quite some time but He must closed the front door because He loves me so much. He did open the back door for me but I brought the futile memories with me. Thats why I can't get through the back door! I get caught inside! Thank God again, through His servant, I realize that we have to surrender our burdens to Him and also MUST REMEMBER to leave them there with Him so that we can set free, release and relief to get through the back door. To those who is heart broken or full of heart burdens, remember the back door and get through that door with empty hands peaceful heart. May God bless you and protect you always from the darkside.