first day Vs last day

When we were born, we were the only one who cried but people surrounding us smile and enjoy seeing us crying. Tears become our best company and be with us thru out those years. The only different is some might cry because their heart is touching with something which is so wonderful in their life. Some might also cry because of their marvellous success but this kind of moment doesnt make sense to me most of the time. The very first time I received my trophy I cried because was teasing by students from other classes. Is it wrong being in the back class? No one said anything and we seem accepted our faith...it was all right being teasted just because we were weak in academic and from poor family! When reached teenage, tears and sadness still with me all the time. Nobody really understand or care about how I feel. I am always the person who have to give and are not expected to ask for anything. Everybody surrounding me expected me to understand their needs, their feelings, their problems...just eveything of them and figure out the solution...again I cant let anybody down...when i faced difficulties and felt so down, tears alone was my best friend. After graduation, i spent 12 years far away from my hometown. I sacrified everything to gain peace in my life but again...what a disapointed life. I did and I do have wonderful students and caring parents but after I became more and more famous, I only have my sweetest students by my side... the most precious asset in my life. The rest were hidden enemies that i had no idea where they came from! Everybody started to put higher and higher expectation on me! I just want to have a normal life! Peaceful life ! Simple life! Is it too much to ask for? Anyway I still enjoyed some peaceful life that i 'bought' by using money that i earned there...it was really worthy... I need a space to breath again...Now I am back. My situation turn worst yet nobody can sense how i feel or why I feel in this way! I never ever want to be famous! I really hate it! If my birthday will be my last day on this earth, i am happy to go with my last word...I am sorry for all my wrong doings and may you all have a much more better life than mine...But if God wants me to continue to serve His children, i will obey...I am very sure that He loves me very much...He is the only one who console my broken heart and sweeping away all my tears... I dont know why i have to go thru this kind of life but I do believe one day He will let me know the reason! You are good all the time, Almighty God! I believe! Lastly...may I have a peaceful birthday this year ...

praise Vs pressure

Finally spm result came out. As usual got student felt so excited and in the same time got students felf so down and even some lost in their own worries. How about the teachers? i am not sure. How about me? Again...like last year I felt very excited for a few days then i lost again in my own world. To make sure that my students wont feel single doubt about my technical guidance, again I have to boast on the result...I hate this action very much !!!! I really hate myself for doing this !!!!! But I have to make sure my students trust in me...they don''t even have time to reconsider or to think about it! They have to believe in my way...they just don't have time....not enough time...Is it worthy to lost myself for it? The only thing that i am very sure is I am very disappointed with myself! When am I going to be myself again? God, when will You get me out of this? When? When I shout out for help, there is nobody really keen to listen to the voice of my heart especially when they know who I am. Can anybody in Penang accept me just as a simple me and not who I am or what i can do in their children's studies? Can? God, I want to go back to Sarawak.....city life is not suitable for me...popularity that i gain in Chung Ling make my spirit turn down and down...I am very happy for my students but not my life. I do enjoy a lot to teach my students! They are fantastic guys! I like them a lot and more and more very single day. That's why i am very scare...I am even much more scare if I fail to help them to improve their BM...if I fail my students...how? How? God, I am truely deeply depress.............I am worry every single day...everyday...God, why me? Why You choose me? But who am I to know the answer...You are my God my Lord from beginning til the end ! I live as a Chri ian and i'll die as a Christian army too with no regret !!! Never ever as a coward before You ! I still will proceed..God, I am Your army... I won't leave the team...i'll fight until my last breath to glorify Your name...give me strenght Lord...be quiet my heart..get rest my soul...tomorrow wil continue my journey again...get rest...just rest in Christ....

Diariku - Februari 2010.

Sepantas kilat menyambar dua bulan dah menyusur dari kalendar tahun 2010. Sepanjang bulan disusuri hari dikejar minit lantas dilarikan saat, ku termenung menerawang detik hayatku sepanjang dua bulan ini. Memang ku rungut, memang ku pinta agar diriku tidak tumbuh bak pokok. Jawapan dari-Mu, Kau tak pernah jadikan ku sepohon pokok apatah lagi kesuma di taman fana. Ku dahan yang bertaut pada-Mu...Kaulah pokok yang menyuburi dahan-Mu, kaulah yang bekalkanku manik kudus dan mendukungku agar kukuh tersergam walau badai menerjah, ombak mengganas...pernah ku berjanji akan ku jalani kehidupan sekerdil rumput...tidak mencuri sejeling pun pandangan penghuni bumi bergelar pulau mutiara ini. Namun masakan bergunanya dahan jikalau menyembunyikan daunnya daripada meredupkan bahang, menghembuskan embun pada petang rembang? Antara rela dengan paksa kan ku menyerlahkan keajaiban-Nya dengan memekarkan daun hijau bagi membumbungi anak muridku yang kepanasan biar diriku, dahan yang sebelum ini tersipu memencil diri berdepan dengan pendedahan yang tak diundang. Sejarah silam akan berulang malah lebih dahsyat daripada zamanku di Miri, namun dengan seruan-Mu Tuhan, ku sedia tampil ke depan biarpun sejarah kejam bakal meledakkan kedamaian hidup yangku idam-idamkan selama ini ! Diriku mungkin akan kecundang lagi dalam dunia onak berduri demi baiduri yang Kau kasihi. Bulan Februari ku tinggalkan pelajar 5SB3. Setiap hari ku tanyakan guru yang menggantikanku khabar pelajarku di sana. Berita yang menyedihkan...kadangkala ku tertanya-tanya adakah ku penyebabnya anak buahku hilang haluan tanpa kemudi? Mampukah ku menyelami lubuk hati pelajar kelas 3TB4 yang baru ku ambil alih? Adakah ku ini sebenarnya seorang perampas yang keras hatinya? Adakah diriku penyebab anak buahku hilang semangat berjuang? Ku sekadar mampu berdoakan kesejahteraanmu dalam pelayaran berdepan dengan SPM...bagaimana dengan CF, kelab yang Kau-amanahkan padaku? Bapa di syurga, ku tak mampu memuliakan nama-Mu tanpa kehadiran-Kau di sisiku! Visiku cuma satu, meyemai benih-benih kasih sayang-Mu dalam diri anak-Mu di bumi ini! Tuhanku, sembuhkan lututku agar dapat ku berjalan jauh berlari pantas mengejar anak-Mu supaya dapat kembali bersama-sama...ke pintu syurga pada suatu hari nanti kelak......ku tak mampu melakukan apa-apa tanpa kehadiran-Mu dalam kehidupanku, bapaku di syurga. Oh ya...dalam bulan ini juga telah ku ketahui ku gagal dalam permohonanku untuk jawatan Guru Cemerlang Bahasa Melayu. Ku terima ketetapan-Mu dengan hati yang kecewa tetapi tenang kerana ku pasti ada hikmah di sebalik setiap rencana-Mu dalam hidup musafir-Mu yang Kau kasihi ini. Dalam segala ketetapan-Mu dalam kehidupanku adalah untuk kebaikanku, ku percaya! Amen.

Celebrate Vs Not goin to celebrate

Everybody is unique n CNY give diffrent meaning to different person. Tonight was my second time within one week fall down on the floor. As usual I wonder am i still goin to stay alive or not.. can i move my body or not.... If tonight I back to heaven, will i regret not to celebrate CNY? I am sure the answere is no. Anyway i will feel sad cause cant finish those homemade cookies baked by my Chung Ling's boy. I will feel very disappointed cause I havent taste another homemade cookies baked by last year 5SA3's student. Both baked cookies for me with their sincere heart, so how could i leave before i manage to taste it? My year 2009 3TA2 plan to hv karaok at my place, I cant just go like that without listening to their sweet n sour voice...oh ya, my 5SP1's students visiting! isnt it that the moment when they able to step forward n stand firm with others classes students is the moment that I am always waiting for? Another gang from 5SA4 who managed to catch my heart even i am not their form teacher...n my 5SB3 students that i have to let go due to my work load...i havent have a chance to prove to them that to me they are always my students even i am no longer teaching them after CNY...my CF members...I cant let them down when they need me...they are wonderful God's soldiers...finally i found a small group of students who share the same dream with me in Chung Ling... is it the time for me to leave now? If i really back to heaven tonight, my beloved Miri students will not know about it. They might think that i already forget about them...forget about all my promisses to meet up with them...forget about those sweet old days in Miri...I wish to say goodbye to all my beloved young friends from miri before i leave...my family members...they will miss me alot...i wish to see my the only nephew grow up...i dun want my mum to send my dead body away...i really dun want to cause her tears drop because of me...she is a good mother...a gentle old lady...whether i am suppose to leave or to stay alive, the power is not in my hand! I am just an ordinary servant of God! I thank God for His mercy n love for me n in me! With grateful heart I thank You, Lord for allowing me to still stay alive for this moment. I like CNY because of the marvellous meet...but besides that, i still cant find any reason to celebrate CNY...so, I wont regret if I din celebrate CNY...

u believe Vs u don't believe.

When we asked a child what do they want to be, i think that their answere is they want to become an adult so that they can be free. Anyway, they wont be able to foresee that adults lost their freedom even more after they reached end of their childhood. I have lots of things to pour out from the bottom of my heart but the voice never came out because it's not meant to be heard. Within this two years in Penang, I still struggle with His dicision to send me back. I think nobody here will believe that a teacher can miss her students from other state so much for so long..so i have to keep it in my heart alone... cause nobody here believe it...Do you know that i tried so hard to bring love and care in my students' life? No, nobody knows. I am very sad when a student told me that they don't care about their teachers after class end. But i want to be a part of my students's life..I want to be their friend so that i can give them a hand when they lost.... I think they realize about it but when they received their exam papers bo get scolded by me, some of them get confuse and turn to become don't belive anymore. Where does love go? Again i have to hide my feeling and pretend that it doesn't matter to get rejected by students...Do my students know that i tried very hard to stop my tears from dropping down during school special assembly? Why? Because nobody will believe that i can love my two form five boys by getting to know them around two weeks before the tragedy! Nobody knows that I still love and care about my year 2009 3TA2 students! Nobody believe!!!!! Some might believe at the beginning but it will change after they get their mark or get scolded by me again...nobody will believe! What had happened in my hometown? God, why You send me back? I really feel deeply helpless and my heart is always fill with sadness!!!!!! Lord, please do show me the way out before i get collapse...what do You put me into this place? I can't shout out !!!! Cause nobody believe !!!!!! God, i know You are good all the time...do send Your angels to console my heart...I am very tire and very lonely here....I cant denied that some of them are very wonderful and lovely students but they are too young to understand how I really feel...I know they are always be there to give me fully support but they are too young to give me the strenght that i need to overcome my circustances...Lord, i need more than that...I really don't want to argue with my BM students regarding essay writtings, no more teaching matter that against tuition teachers matter here...no more arguement with anyone in school regarding students' matter.....Lord, why You believe in me yet I start feel doubt about myself? Lord, now i am goin to rest in Your arm...give me wisdom and strenght to complete Your plan thru me...You are my Lord forever...Amen.